My Miscarriage Story

2.20.2018


A few weeks ago on Instagram, I was tagged to share 5 things people may not know about me. I decided to share one thing deeply personal, a couple of years before I got pregnant with Ryker, I suffered a miscarriage. I don't talk about it often because it is a very personal subject, but after sharing it on social media recently, I was shocked at the amount of messages I received. Whether it was kind comments, words of encouragement or those sharing their stories, it was truly overwhelming the amount of people who felt touched by what I shared. And I want to first start this post by saying thank you to all of you who messaged me, you will never know how much it means to me! 

The reason I decided to share my story now is because of those who also shared their stories with me. Unfortunately, miscarriage is such an incredibly common occurrence in pregnancy, it is estimated that 1 in 6 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. And even more unfortunate, most don't talk about it. I can completely understand why, it is one of the most lonely and isolating experiences a woman can endure. So it is my hope that by sharing my story, it can reach even just one person out there currently suffering from miscarriage and let them know that they are not alone. Here goes...

This was back in 2013, Michael and I had just started living together a few months prior and we were fresh into the "adult" world. I had just finished cosmetology school and he was still in the apprenticeship program to become a journeyman electrician. We were babies, all of 19 & 20 years old, but we were making our new life together work. I had been feeling strange for a few days leading up to when my period was expected and I kept chalking it up to "this is going to be a rough period". I was nauseous, food was making me squeamish & I just had this underlying feeling of something being "off". I am super regular with my periods too, every 30 days good ol' Aunt Flow rears her ugly head. So when the day arrived I was supposed to start and I didn't, I just knew but didn't want to believe it because we weren't in the place to have a baby. I let a couple days pass and when AF still hadn't shown, I knew it was time to take a test. Within 30 seconds a big + popped up and I'm pretty sure all of the blood drained from my face. I. was. shocked.

After working up the courage to tell Michael, we were both pretty scared and nervous about everything but knew in our hearts that this was our baby and we would do anything possible to give them a good life. We were renting a room from a roommate at the time and barely had enough money for rent and groceries so adding a baby into the mix at the time was not ideal, but from the moment we knew, our baby was our priority.

We started making plans on what we we're going to do, get an apartment, figure out my health insurance situation, attempt to save every nickel and dime we could. We told our families on Thanksgiving that year when I was just over 10 weeks along, they cried and were shocked but supportive nonetheless! 

DISCLAIMER: This next part is graphic and there is A LOT of information that could bother some people. I want to be completely transparent so if that is bothersome, please exit now.

Just a few days after Thanksgiving, I was at work when I felt a small gush in my underwear. I didn't think much of it but went to the bathroom just to check and sure enough, it was blood. I panicked and told my boss I needed to leave early, thankfully they could see the concern on my face and let me go. For some reason Michael had to drop me off that day for work so I called him in hysterics asking him to pick me up immediately. He was there within 5 minutes. I immediately called my OB and he said that it could be a number of things, one of them being placenta previa which is common and fixable but that I should relax for the rest of the evening and keep an eye on the bleeding, amount of blood and watch out for any cramping. It was the absolute worst night of my life. I cried every single time I went to the bathroom. I was sick to my stomach and couldn't eat. I knew in my heart what was happening but didn't want to believe it.

The next day, Michael had to go to school for the apprenticeship, he was not allowed to have his phone on during class. 

I didn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night, prayed and begged God to protect my baby. Pleaded with him to let me carry this pregnancy to term. I got up to get water in the morning, and felt another massive gush of blood. There were clots which was something my doctor told me to watch for. I called my aunt hysterically and she said it was time to go to the hospital. She took me and we checked into the ER, they asked me to wait which spiked my anxiety to another level. Once I was taken back, they did an ultrasound and the tech can't tell you anything. I laid there in agony as she looked at the monitor. Once the ultrasound was finished, I waited for a few more minutes until a doctor called me back to private room, I knew this wasn't a positive sign.

He confirmed my worst fear. There was no heartbeat. My sweet baby who had been growing so perfectly just weeks prior, was no longer alive. I went numb. I couldn't comprehend how this could be happening to me. Surely this was a nightmare, this couldn't actually be happening to me. The worst part was that I hand't been able to get a hold of Michael all day because he was in class, as soon as he was done he had to hear the news... over the phone. It was the most heartbreaking sentence I've ever spoken in my life. He had no words, I had no words. We were angry, we were devastated and we were confused. Michael came and picked me up to take me home, I was starting feel worse but wanted to be home in our bed to process everything. While in the car, the worst of the cramping began. It was so horrific that I forced Michael to pull over because I was going to be sick. We drove a a little more and again, he had to pull off because I was sick to my stomach. The cramping was excruciating and it kept coming in waves, each time making me sick. I prayed to God for comfort. We finally made it home and the worst was over, the bleeding continued for a long time afterward to make every trip to the bathroom a continuation of the nightmare. At my post-miscarriage OB appointment, the nurse hadn't received the knowledge of my miscarriage and asked "how far along are you?". All I could muster up was "I'm not anymore". And there it was, I wasn't.

I had never known someone personally who had miscarried. Every woman in my family is basically fertile Myrtle and has never had any problems. Of course the doctors stressed to me how incredibly common it is, and now after research and talking with so many other moms, I know how truly common it is. But at the time, I was alone.

Literally & figuratively. 


One day I had a human growing inside of me and the next, they were gone. I can't describe how soul-crushing that feeling is. I can only describe it as: emptiness. I felt empty, lost and alone. For months after my miscarriage I couldn't even hear of someone getting pregnant because it felt as though someone had knocked the wind out of me. It felt like every single person I had known was all of a sudden having babies. It was the hardest experience of my life, and it was incredibly hard on mine and Michael's relationship as well. We weren't in the place to try to have another baby for so many reasons but I felt like I needed a do-over. I was terrified that this meant I could never have a healthy pregnancy or a baby. 

I was in a dark place for a long time. It wasn't until, almost a year later, when we were in our own place and we got our pup Jaxson that I felt like I was finally able to begin to heal. It took a lot of time, patience and faith but I was finally able to understand what God's plans were for me, for Michael and for our future family.

Here we are 4 years later, with a beautiful home, a sweet little boy and another on the way. We have so much to be thankful for that our lives have turned out the way they have, and it was all by God's design. It was His timing and He knew that we needed to go through what we did in order to get to this sweet spot we're in. 

I am at peace now. I am an incredibly blessed mama with one baby Earthside, one cooking away in my ever-growing belly and one in Heaven watching over us all. I have 3 beautiful babies who I will love and cherish every single day of my life and when I pass on, I get the luxury of meeting my angel baby. How sweet it is that I have something else to look forward to about Heaven!

If you or someone you know is currently suffering through the pits of miscarriage, know that you're not alone. There are so many women who are or have walked the path you're on. We have all felt the pain that you're feeling. You're not at fault, you did nothing wrong! And if you ever need someone to talk to, please reach out to me.

Thank you again to all those who reached out to me and I hope this post can be helpful even it is just to shed light on a topic that is relatively "taboo" to share about.

XO, Mandi


Marissa said...

Mandi;
My heart breaks for you reading this!
You are so brave sharing your story! Thank you for sharing. Not many people do. I myself haven’t really talked nor have I shared my story. I can tell you the roller coaster I went thru was terrible. Going in for my twelve week ultrasound thinking “yay we get to see this little one” only to notice baby didn’t look the size it was supposed to be the ultrasound tech moving the probe all over my belly hitting different buttons and then finally looking at me and saying “I’m so sorry there’s no heartbeat” my heart immedently sank! She then wipes off my stomach and says “you did nothing wrong” and hands me two pictures of my little angel. In my mind I made my body do this. I was excited but wasn’t ready to have another baby (oldest wasn’t even one yet). I kept thinking did my negative thoughts make this happen? We then go into a room and my OB comes in asking how i want to go about having the baby come out. Naturally or with medication. I chose medication due to the fact it had been a month since my body had not naturally released the baby and the risk of infection was high. Fast forward a couple days and I finally decide to take the medication. It was the WORSE day of my life. The constant going to the bathroom with cramping and blood. Finally when I taught I had passed my
Little one I stood up and GUSH my water broke and I passed my little one moment later. I then have to go to the hospital for possible hemorrhaging there the doctor and nurses helped me pass the placenta. This by far was the worse birth I have ever had. Going to the hospital and not coming home with a little one was a betraying feeling. I then fall into a deep dark depression. Don’t wanna get out of bed don’t want to go anywhere. Fast forward to now I have three amazing children. A husband who stuck by me thru my dark times and peace with the fact that baby is now an angel.

Thank you again mandi for sharing your story!

Mandi Hart said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me Marissa! My heart breaks for you and your loss. It truly is one of the most difficult things to go through but I am so happy that you have made it to the other side of the darkness! Thank you for your sweet words and encouragement!

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